I quit smoking! Yay! I dont even WANT one! How awesome is that?!?!?! The other two times I quit, I continued to have the urge to smoke, but this time I dont! Thank God(dess) for whoever thought of inventing Chantix! Its heaven-sent! Hopefully I'll get my treadmill in the house tomorrow.

Since we all know Nathan and Krissi arent together anymore, I thought I would give an update.

Krissi is engaged to a guy from Alabama named Jason Hacker. I havent been able to talk to her on the phone, but I talked to her online alot. Nikki actually told me about it last night. 

Nikki is coming down next wednesday...I told her how I couldnt find a good job here, and she told me I could move in with her in Southaven. Its something Im definately considering. She's the Head Waitress at the new Lonestar Steakhouse there, so maybe she could get me a job there. Im still trying to find a better job here, but if I cant find one, I dont know what Im going to do.

So there you go. For right now thats all Im updating because I have to go call Nikki. And talk to her and my beautiful god-daughter Carmen.

<3 Ashli

Casey and Nathan are the best things that have ever happened to me and my family..(Even though Nathan is family. lol) They are so crazy. I called Casey today to tell him about some stuff and we argued about how many times the phone rang, then he was looking for something...he says "Where's it at?" So I said..."Its over there!" haha..You wouldnt really understand our sense of humor. haha. Me and Nathan have been talking bout some stuff lately...Some eye-opening type of stuff. Some things I cant write about on here. I think that Casey has become a part of our family as well and we hope it stays that way. The first time he came down with nathan, it was like we'd known him forever and he just belonged in our family.

I've been working on my facebook. I still have some more photo discs that I cant find that I'd like to upload on there. I have alot of pictures of Nathan, and as soon as I get my job and have gas money to go see them, Im going to have pictures of Casey and everyone up..Unless he comes back to visit first. He says he misses the animals. lol. And our little blue chair that sits on the floor and the back vibrates..lol. It hurts me to watch him suffer with his lungs because he has fluid in them. I just want to take care of him like he's a baby or something..Thats just one of my instincts I suppose.

Im hoping HR calls SOON! I really want to start working ASAP. Im excited about it too. The lady over Food and Beverage told me that I was "Isle Style", so thats means things are looking better! I had a ball in those two interviews Monday. I think I'd really like working over there. I cant wait! Taneisha should be calling any day now for me to take my pissy druggy test. lol. Then, when I pass it, I guess I get a time to pick up my uniforms after they measure me, and a schedule! How exciting!!!!! Im excited anyway. I cant wait! Plus, I have bills to be paying. I could really use the money.

The gift shop has some Paris Hilton for Men cologne, so I want to get some for Casey and Nathan for Christmas, and alot of other perfumes and colognes that I would love to get for people for Christmas before the prices go up.

Anyway, I think I've run out of things to talk about. Im sure I'll write again soon!

Kisses:Ashli

I'm not real sure what goes through some peoples minds at times or what gives them the encouragement to speak when it just makes them look superficial and shallow. Sometimes it doesn't even have to be what they say but the way they look or physical expression. Maybe it's not them, just me. Could it be that I'm hormonal, depressed or just plain damn irritable? But at what point in a persons life do they feel like everyone around them look at them as if they are trying to deceive them.

Women, Mothers always have to be sympathetic and push forward no matter how they feel mentally or physically. I guess that is also true for the Fathers. But a Father's role is also clear cut, they have their predestined boundaries that they do as the Alpha-Male and the rest is "THE WOMAN'S DUTY". I don't see how in the hell my Mother did it fifty years ago when there was no running water, she had to cut her own fire wood to cook and boil water for everyone to bathe in. They had to grow or hunt their own food or starve. Mothers breastfed their children...end of story. You couldn't afford milk, bottles, nipples or even diapers. Yes, that's right. Babies wore cloth diapers and they had to be washed out and re-used. There was no Washer and Dryer either. My Mother had a scrub board and boiled water and did laundry once a week and hung it outside on a clothes line. Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall! My Mom told me about having to do laundry when she was nine months pregnant and it was so cold outside her hands would chap, crack and bleed. And my Mother had nine children NOT three like I did and she worked on a farm. So that meant if you wanted milk you milked a real cow, if you wanted eggs you went into the Chicken Coup and got fresh eggs.

I look back on the stories my Mom told me and I realize that I spoiled my kids and that's my fault. But I'm also spoiled too. I could never imagine doing half the work she did in a days time. She made quilts to keep her family warm during the winter. She grew a large garden and canned everything she could so they would have enough food to last through the winter. They didn't have a television, they listened to a radio. I remember my Mom telling me about listening to The Lone Ranger on the Radio and The Grand Ol' Opry. She grew up in a small town so the people in the town would take turns each week and cook a dish and go to someone else's house just to listen to the Opry. That one broadcast was a treat for each family because they all worked in the fields picking cotton and worked for as little as Twelve Cents a day. I think that's the lowest my Mom mentioned to me, it could have been less.

I found the original Contract where my Parents bought their first car and it only cost slightly over $700. Yes, HUNDRED! It didn't take five years to pay off and it didn't fall apart before you had it paid for either. Also, the families in the communities would pitch together and have a "Barn Raising", where they would get together and build a house for a family in a day. It wasn't much and it might have been made out of used lumber but it was paid for in less than THIRTY years and it was special because it was built with love....REAL LOVE.

Medical needs. I was the only one of the nine kids born in a hospital, my Mom had all other eight children at home with just the aid of her mother or the closest person that could get there. She would always send someone into town for the doctor but by the time he got there the hard part was over. Now we can't afford to go to any doctor. Between the HMO, PCP and HNIC us as citizens of this FREE WORLD are damned if we do and damned if we don't. I personally can't afford to work because for my daughter to get any assistance for the Government I have to stay home. Plus, she needs me more here. We...our family...make too much money to get Medicaid for her even though she is disabled. DISABLED! So our Government has a plan called TEFRA, Tax Exempt Federal Relief Act. It's for families of disabled children with "HIGH" incomes, instead of getting Medicaid FREE, we are so fortunate to pay a monthly premium every month. Because she is Disabled we can't pay our bills. Between just basic bills alone we are barely keeping afloat. But we are still in a high income bracket. AND THAT'S WITH ME NOT WORKING!

OUR GOVERNMENT SUCKS. Health-care should be free for EVERYONE. It should be provided by our Government, not our Employers. Since the Government is trying to do away with the Social Security, our Employers should set up 401K Retirement funds for everyone and it should be untouchable unless of a dire emergency. The Employees should be taken care of, not abandoned just before they start to receive their pension from their employers.

It's time we stood up for our rights. Stand up to our Government and make them take better care of us. I'm tired of getting screwed by our Insurance Companies and Doctors that double bill and over bill. Prescription prices are ridiculous. Everything is. For Forty years everyone has been wanting EQUALITY in the U.S., how about equality in health-care. There are so many people that die each year because they can't afford decent health-care and that makes us look good as a country. We send billions of dollars to other countries because they are starving or they need medical attention or they are living in sub-standard condition. We need to look in our own backyard before we start cleaning up everyone else's backyard. I believe in charity and my heart bleeds for them every time I see the inhumane conditions some of these countries have lived through. But we have people in our own cities and states that are living just the same way. And it sickens me!

So, in case no one knew...Nathan is back! Like, he isnt living here, but he visits on the weekends. He lives in Southaven with his friend Casey Weaver, his wife Carrie and their three kids. The kids call him Uncle Nay-nay. Its so cute. Casey is a doll! Him and Nathan are just alike. Its so funny to watch them together. Im glad he has a great friend like him. Other than that, mom went and had her tests done Thursday. She had an EMG and an MRI. Not too much fun, especially when you have a migraine. We find out the results Wednesday. We're all kind of freaking out about it.

I could go on and on about Casey and how fantastic they are, but I wont bore all of you just yet. I'll let you get used to me updating again first! lol. They have been really great to Nathan though. I consider them family too now. I can say, Him and Nathan can sing, write songs and music together...and they rock! If they continue, I see big things happening for them..You'd just have to hear it. Its amazing.

Later this morning I have to go to Isle of Capri to apply for a job somewhere over there. Since Mom's friend Paige is head analyst of ALL of the Isle of Capri casino's, she told me that she would put in a really good word. She said they need ALOT of help over there right now, so thats good! Im excited. So I guess I should go start planning what to wear and such since I probably wont sleep before I go up there...I slept all day because I didnt get back here until early Monday morning from taking nathan back home! lol. Its cool though..I enjoyed the ride and the talking. Plus, I got home all by myself, in the dark, the first time I took a "trip" out of state actually. lol. Go me!

Anyway, I will update after I go to Isle of Capri later.

Kisses everyone!
<3 Ashli!

Death to the male gender! I HATE them. Im going to be a NUN. Im converting to Catholicism. After Cosmetology so I can do the other Nun's hair so they can cover it up.

Fuck guys. I need a night out with Resa and bRik so I can just live it up for once. Shit, I hate guys. Im going to cry now.

I slept all day yesterday. lol. Literally, I went to bed at 11am and didnt wake up until 11:30pm. I completely missed Independence day. Oh well, it isnt like it was special or like it was going to be special. Oh well..When I woke up last night, I knew I was just going to continue that horrible pattern of sleep, so I decided at 1:30am to go to sleep and I woke up around 5:30am. I guess that will work. I can stay up all day and go to sleep at a decent hour tonight.

I need to go do my Winsor Pilates. I haven't done it in 2 days. I was so sore. It was pathetic.

No chip nail polish. Don't you just hate it when a company claims that their nail polish is no chip and as soon as you take a shower or something, your nail polish starts chipping? lol. Well, I have found a nail polish that strengthens your nails, and is no chip...Seriously no chip unless you chip them on purpose. It's Diamond Strength! Yes, that awesome Diamond strength that makes your nails hard has come out with colors. It's awesome. I am absolutely in LOVE with it. lol. Plus, wal-mart carries it! lol.

I dont know what to talk about right now...Nothing has happened to me. Except for this cell phone calling my phone when I am sleeping. I have no idea who it is, but when I call back, they dont answer. Its seriously pissing me off. First the phone calls were PRIVATE, now there is a number that wont answer, I cant leave a message, and its like they know when Im sleeping, so thats when they call. The number is 817-0690. Lol. Call and maybe you can get an answer. Im sick of it and its pissing me off.

Im going to do my pilates.

Much love to everyone!,
<3 Ashli

I just told Resa in a comment that I would start updating again. I feel lonely. Of course I feel lonely. I heard "Hate Me" by Blue October last night when mom was putting it on a DVD-R off the tv, and I had to hold back tears. Everytime I hear it, I miss Nathan. As much as I hate to admit it, I do. I really miss Nathan. I miss the Nathan who would talk to me and who was close to me. The one that I felt like I could go to for anything and tell anything to him. He is in fact my brother, and that will never change. I just wish there was a hope of a chance that things would ever be the same as they used to again. Sometimes I think Im going insane. I dont know why...I just feel like I cant take it anymore, but everyone feels like that sometime. I know I cant be the only one.

I bet if I pour my heart and soul out to this, no one will comment. Lol. Its ok. I wouldn't know what to say to me either, but if you can, just comment for the sake of knowing that it will make me feel a million times better than I have felt in months and I will always love you for that. I know I have like, two livejournal friends on here now that still update. lol. bRik and Resa! I miss you girls! I miss animal crackers and Cheese from walmart...Whipped Cream....other things the night of whipped cream...All from walmart. Wah, wah, wah. lol. "Hey, whats that thing on the road? Can we stop and get it? Why is it blue?"

I have to smoke...brb...I actually need to quit, but Im seriously working on it for GOOD this time.

I had to change pants..I was too cold. lol. We changed around all the bedrooms and stuff...We have been pretty busy lately. I guess staying busy is a way to keep your mind off things. My room is now Nathans old room and Hayleigh has my old room. Nathan told me "Im NEVER coming back there"...It crushed me, but I know he was telling the truth. He meant it. If he does come back, he can have my bed. I mean, dont get me wrong...My family makes me happy (What I have left anyway) and so does my boyfriend, but I guess there is still a void. There probably always will be. Its like he has dropped off the face of the earth, like he has died. He doesnt call, we cant call him. No one will give us his cell phone number. It hurts. I just wish we were the same family as we were 2 years ago. Family is very important to me..It holds me together. They are my number one priority besides my health. There are these five balls ok...They are Family, Friends, Work, Health and Love. 4 of them are like rubber balls. Family, friends, work and love you can bounce back from. Health is like a glass ball. If it falls, it could knick, crack or even break. I read that in a book...but I have to say Im not sure I believe the other 4 are like rubber balls....Not anymore. They can all break. They're all glass balls. Be careful and dont drop any of those 5 balls...It could break you. Literally.

I have to say that I am better now. I still go through my days when I wake up and go to the bathroom and Im not sure if I can urinate or not. Its hard, but I have to work through it. I've learned to regulate myself. After 4 years or so of dieting, I realized the importance of a regular exercise routine. So, I took up Winsor Pilates. Let me say, I've pretty much felt and seen instant results. I just started it but before I was dancing...Pretty much trying to imitate either Shakira or The Pussycat Dolls. Imitating the Pussycat Dolls is easy if you have the Carmen Electra workout DVD's. She pretty much has the same moves and stuff as them, which is logical since she was a Pussycat Doll when they were JUST cabaret. I haven't done all the Dvd's, actually I just watched the first one, but I get the idea. lol.

Winsor Pilates is awesome. Im addicted to it. Its all about the sequence in which you do the certain moves and exercises. Thats what makes it different than other Pilates workouts. I didnt know that exercise could be so much fun, but I guess my silly ass should have tried it a long time ago. lol. Regularly that is.

What else have I been up to?.....Im not even sure what else to write about. When I do figure out what to write about, I will write again! It could be just a few hours...lol. Oh, I have one more thing before I go...Actually two, but one is a song. Someone has been BLOWING up my cell phone from a Private number. I have no idea who it is and I had refused to answer it. Next time Im answering it. I know who I want it to be, and who I dont want it to be. If it isnt who I want it to be, Im going to be the one BLOWING UP! I want it to be Nathan....If its anyone else, Im kicking ass.

"Hate Me"

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

[Children voices:]
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming,
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me.
I can't believe you actually did this

A 23-year-old woman has pleaded guilty to a horrific crime: In a drunken rage, she slashed the throat of a longtime friend's 9-month-old baby in retaliation for being kicked out of her apartment.

Click to see a photo of baby killer Natalie Rodriguez. (Photo: The Associated Press for CNN)

The Associated Press reports that Natalie Rodriguez has been sentenced to life in prison for the brutal 2002 slaying of little Xavier Antonio Miranda, whom she grabbed from his crib in the middle of the night and then killed with a kitchen knife in a snow bank. She hid the infant's body in a trash can in a neighbor's driveway. The court has ruled that Rodriguez must serve 26 more years in prison before she is eligible for parole. She blamed the deed on her "dysfunctional ways of living," which include alcoholism, a history of mental illness and an attempted suicide.

Find out the top 10 crimes of passion committed by celebrities.

On the witness stand in the Boston courtroom, the baby's mother, Giselle Miranda, said, "It really hurts to know my only friend did this to me. It destroyed my family. It destroyed everybody. My son was innocent. If she had any type of grudge, she could have taken it out on me or my husband, not my son. I have no words for her." Rodriguez and Miranda had been friends since they were little girls growing up in the Jamaica Plain section of Boston. A month before the gruesome crime, Miranda and her husband took in Rodriguez and her then 4-year-old son in their three-bedroom apartment after Rodriguez lost her job and was kicked out her family home. But Rodriguez became belligerent and wouldn't pay her share of the rent so Miranda told her to move out. The deadline she gave her was the day Rodriguez murdered the baby. In court this week, she tearfully said, "I was the cause of the death of a precious boy who I loved dearly. I want to apologize to the family. I'm very sorry."

Police say these four words that could save your child's life if he or she is ever abducted. Click to find out what they are! Click to find out what they are! 




http://channels.netscape.com/whatsnew/recent.jsp?story=20060412-1402

"Dear Mr. President"
(feat. Indigo Girls)

Dear Mr. President
Come take a walk with me
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Are you proud???

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why????

Dear Mr. President
Were you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
How can you say
No child is left behind
We're not dumb and we're not blind
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pay the road to hell

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine....

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye??

Let me tell you bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh

How do you sleep at night?
How do you walk with your head held high?

Dear Mr. President
You'd never take a walk with me.

Would you?

"Long Way To Happy"

One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Left my childhood behind
In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
Do you know I had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lose it
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottem of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long, long, long, long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

I am in the process of re-creating my journal. Yes, this journal. Its not going to be easy. I want to be able to keep in touch fully with my friends here...you know who you are! I love you too much to not stay in touch one way or another. This is a sure fire way to stay in touch for sure. So for the next few days or maybe just today if I have the computer long enough, Im going to be working on it. I love you guys alot. I feel like I have neglected my friends and I feel horrible for it. I let someone get to me in a way that I shouldnt have, and it just made me feel like I was being a horrible friend to my other real friends. BUT IM BACK!

I should probably update later about my health conditions and let everyone know whats going on. Until then, Im reconstructing!

Much love and peace out!,
<3 Always,
Ashli Paige

http://www.kbul.com/data/kbul_article_images/dixie%20chicks.mp3

"Not Ready To Make Nice"

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

Ok, Im really bored. I know Im going to wash some clothes and pick up around the house...probably dust, but not vacuum because I dont want to wake anyone up. Im feeling better today. I still need to take my medicine. I just needed to update before I forgot about this.

I was watching the episode of Roseanne where the electricity gets cut off. David and Darlene have an art project to do, and david ends up falling asleep. The next morning Darlene tries to sneak him out and Roseanne goes into this big speach about taking her to get birth control and all that, even after Darlene tells her she didnt and hasnt slept with david. Roseanne keeps insisting on it, so Darlene goes downstairs and asks Dan for money. He wants to know whats going on. Darlene says "Mom wants to put me on birth control because Becky had sex." lol. Dan says..."I dont think thats going to work....."

I laughed my ass off. That sounded just like something Dad or Keith would say. And Nathan wonders why I watch this "stupid fucking show"? lol. Its hilarious. It makes me laugh and reminds me of us.

Thats all for right now. I suppose I'll start picking up and check on the laundry.

<3<3<3